Aristotle's Philosophy of Friendship
There are three types of friendship—only one is considered “perfect.”
They say the older you get, the harder it is to make friends.
In childhood, we can get along with each other simply because we have the same interests, laugh at the same jokes, or hate the same person. Introversion and extroversion aside, making friends used to be easy.
When we reach adolescence, things begin to get weird. We start to experience dating and puppy love. People expect us to act more like proper adults. More responsibilities come into our laps. Everything becomes way more complex, even dramatic.
As adults, nothing is simple anymore. I don’t even have to describe it—you already know how it is. It’s hard. And when we do make friends, chances are the friendship is not a sincere one. It will have some strings attached. Some kind of transactional value exchange.
Aristotle has some insights about this.
Aristotle’s 3 Types of Friendship
In her book Aristotle and the Philosophy of Friendship, Lorraine Smith Pangle described Aristotle’s categorization of friendship in The Nicomachean Ethics, which was based on three things: utility, pleasure, and excellence.
1. Friendship of Utility
This is where people become friends with each other only when there’s value in it. This value can be material or immaterial, which may take the form of money, social status, network, or even knowledge.
As you may notice, this type of friendship is more common among older people.
A friendship of utility is fleeting because one’s definition of “utility” and “value” changes constantly. Once one side is no longer useful, the other side will drift apart, thus severing the bond.
2. Friendship of Pleasure
Just like its utilitarian counterpart, this type of friendship is also ephemeral—albeit more sincere.
Friendships of pleasure are more common among younger people. Here, one side connects with the other because it brings them pleasurable feelings like joy, warmth, and—of course—love; both platonic and romantic.
Simply put, a friendship of pleasure is one that makes you “feel good.”
3. Friendship of Excellence
This third type is the kind of friendship Aristotle values most. It’s called a “friendship of excellence,” or “perfect friendship.”
Unlike the previous two, this kind of bond is long-lasting. If a friendship of utility is rooted in usefulness, and a friendship of pleasure is based on gratification, a friendship of excellence is grounded in moral virtue.
And while excellence can also bring utility and pleasure, those benefits arise from a deeper thought:
“I love this person for who they are, and I want what’s best for them.”
Nakama
When thinking about friendship, I can’t help but also think about nakama.
It’s a Japanese word that means something like “comrade,” “companion,” or “really close friend.” It represents an idealized (and at times exaggerated) form of friendship—a friendship so close that the parties involved are willing to do anything for each other, fondly and selflessly.
You’ll stumble upon this word all the time when reading a manga or watching an anime—usually in epic scenes where one character rescues another from a dangerous situation. And when I say epic, I mean it. It’s crazy. Think Naruto and Sasuke, or Luffy and his crewmates.
However, while this nakama-ship does look beautiful on paper and on-screen, if someone acts the same way in real life, it's bound to look cringey.
Really, imagine it. Who acts like that IRL?
And, well, isn’t that the strange thing, though? It’s almost ironic that—by an unspoken social custom—such a wondrous friendship is reserved entirely for the realm of fiction.
I don’t know. Maybe it does exist in reality, and I just haven’t encountered it yet. It’s not like I’m overly skeptical or anything, though.
I’ll believe it when I see it.
Rara Sunt Cara
Other than Aristotle, many philosophers have also emphasized the importance of friendship, such as Epicurus, who said that friendship is the quintessential ingredient for a life of happiness.
Friendships are awesome. I won’t deny that, but I want to be real here.
No matter how you look at it, some people are just plain douchebags. There are boys who want to befriend you just because being with you makes them feel cool, and there are girls who want to be with you simply because you’re rich and attractive.
Social status, political power, material wealth—whatever it is, once that value dissipates, these people will immediately forget about you.
These people make bad friends. And they keep increasing in number. I don’t have any data or anything, though. It might just be my clouded vision.
But if it is happening, I think it’s because the present society designs them to be like that. To be fair, maybe I have the same tendencies too, to some degree. And so do you. We are part of the same world, after all.
It’s not an easy problem to fix. But still, it’s not all dust and ashes.
Maybe I’m being naïve, but I do believe that Aristotle’s friendship of excellence, or the Japanese nakama, still exists somewhere out there. There are still people who will be friends with you simply because they see the good within you.
Sincere friendships still exist, but they are rare.
Rara sunt cara—“The few are precious.” That Latin proverb echoes inside my head every time I think about this matter. It perfectly describes the condition.
The few are precious. They are rare. And rare things should be cherished.
This essay was originally published in The Bigger Picture on 6 August 2020.